parents, did you do the right thing?
author profile: Li Shijiang graduated from the Chinese Department of Beijing Normal University, and is keen on education and psychology. In the past ten years, we have thoroughly understood the family education problems of all walks of life in China, and explored the "humanistic and pragmatic education law". In the Straits Metropolis Daily and online media, educational columns are offered to provide educational advice. The following is excerpt from his book "children's training manual".
the rebellion of children makes parents headache
children's adverse psychology is a problem that makes parents very headache, which can lead to communication cannot be carried out, and teaching can not be carried out. Mothers who have led their children generally know that children are rebellious when they are over one year old. The most common, say, feed the rice, the more you hurry to eat him? He doesn't eat, even you know it's time for him to eat, and his stomach should be hungry. There is still time for you to feed him, he does not eat, he must eat with his own spoon. For example, when you take him out, he closes the door. He is not satisfied. He has to open the door once more. Or you open a box to pick up candy for him, but he makes a lot of noise because he wants to open the box himself. In a word, the more you want him to do something or help him do anything, he understands that your intentions will not work, and follow you, this is a child's rebellion.
this rebellious mentality is strengthened with the growth of the child, to a certain ability to act, or to do something that parents do not agree with on his back, or in particular and naughty. And the child's rebuke to the parents is numb, especially not obedient, causing trouble everywhere, allowing parents to wipe their butts.
I have seen a father who is so angry that he can not bear the child's mischief and throw the child into the pond. This extreme example certainly makes many parents suffer deeply from their bitter parents, because sometimes the parents who make the children have a special headache are really trying to throw their children into the pond, but just want to do it in my mind and have not put it into action.
to puberty, children will put the reverse psychology into more practice, even dislike parents, feel that their parents are backward, not willing to communicate with their parents. In action, we use puppy love, skipping classes, surfing the Internet and running away.
how to correctly understand the inverse
how to make the reverse child not to be a bad child and avoid the extreme phenomena listed above? Since we want to deal with the reverse psychology, we must understand the essence of the reverse psychology and take effective measures.
the first basic idea must be remembered that the reverse psychology is a normal phenomenon in the growth of children, so it is not necessary to regard it as a flood. That is to say, the proper reverse psychology in growth is not a problem. If children are obedient to you and do not have their own doubts and judgements, there is a problem. In fact, only reverse psychology exceeds a certain limit, resulting in serious consequences, you need to correct.
second points, we must understand the essence of reverse psychology. Take a meal, the more you force children to eat, the less he wants to eat. The more you persist, the more he will avoid. The roots of all kinds of behavior are children's self-consciousness. Less than two years old children, there is self-awareness, do not want to be manipulated by you, the more you urge people to do what he wants, the more he is disgusted. He can't speak yet, but his behavior is telling you, "don't think what you want me to do, I can do it myself." Many mothers have such experience, children have to close their own door, eat their own spoon, and open the packing box (when you can not open it will be handed you, let you open, if you do not have his consent to open, that makes his taboo). In the eyes of the adult, the child at this time is a little self righteous, which indicates that his self - consciousness is awakening, and if you do not recognize and liberate his self - consciousness, he will struggle with you for a long time.
talk about eating. Parents do not overemphasize, can be careless, parents eat themselves, first do not feed him to feed him, let him starve a while, guide him to imitate his parents to eat, let him feel that eating is not a compulsion, but the behavior that everyone is accustomed to. When you eat, you chase after your child, the more you chase the child, the more you run, and run a few kilometers. Such behavior will accumulate over time, which will deepen his rebellion and turn the normal reverse psychology to the ill conditioned psychology. Of course, in the problem of eating, it is easy to say, it is very difficult to practice, but if the parents understand the children's psychology, their own mind, according to the actual situation slowly adjusted, can reduce or eliminate the adverse psychology of the children.
the overreaction of children is the result of parental repression
reverse psychology like spring
generally speaking, Chinese parents do not pay much attention to their children's self consciousness, and often cover their children's consciousness with their own consciousness, which leads to the serious phenomenon of the children's adverse feelings. Western parents have the tradition of sheep education. Children's growth environment is more relaxed, so the communication between the two generations will be more tacit.
reverse psychology is like a spring, the more you suppress, the greater its power. The child is bad, is contrary to you, is long does not pay attention to dredge the reverse psychology to cause. Parents do not approve of children's behavior, generally use a reprimand, forcibly stop the method, do not respect the child's self-awareness, in the long time, the spring pressure is particularly solid, the accumulation of a lot of energy, the key moment, the child will give you a fatal blow, the worst child in history is made. Therefore, it is a wrong act on the child's daily life. Do not stop it. As long as it is not a dangerous act, allow him to try and let him try to help him analyze it. He will know more about it.
don't hurry to stop the children
in western education, the children of one year old put leaves into their mouths, parents will not stop it, but they won't have any danger. After tasting the children, they feel that they can't eat or eat, and they will spit out, and then they will form the ability to distinguish automatically. Chinese parents, in this case, usually cry out of the leaves, which will lead to two consequences: first, the child will not distinguish himself from what can be eaten, what can't be eaten, and the opportunity to learn and try. Second, children will be more curious about leaves and other things, and will keep the habit of touching everything in their mouths during infancy.
many behaviors of children do not need to be stopped. In fact, many of them are learning. To let children try, even if the danger can not be tried, parents should also treat them with an analytical attitude. On the one hand, it can avoid strengthening the rebellious psychology of children. On the one hand, it can also increase children's knowledge, which is quite different from the effect of reprimand.
to be friends with children can avoid the inverse
generation gap can not eliminate
to adolescence, and there are different reasons for the emergence of reverse psychology. At this time, children like to pursue fashion, they will buy some exotic clothes and are keen on celebrities to advertise. Some parents do not like it. They always nagged, objected, and refused to accept it. It was not so expensive and ugly as the ordinary style. The more this nagging, the more the child has the reverse psychology, not only in dressing up a little change, in the future, all the parents advocate, he is opposed to the formation of a deep estrangement with their parents, or even water and fire. It seems to be an unavoidable problem for ordinary people to regard this as generation gap. In fact, will there be a generation gap between the two generations? Generation gap must lead to irreconcilable contradictions?
I don't think so. The so-called generation gap, if you have the right way, you can definitely eliminate, absolutely can father and son become friends, mother and daughter into girlfriends, happy and harmonious. In the above examples, parents do not do well. You do not respect the aesthetic concept of young people. You impose your own aesthetic view on the child. Your nagging and opposition are not only useless, but also the root of the rebellious psychology of the children, which leads him to think that you are too conservative and too traditional to communicate with you. All your ideas are right only when he comes back.
respect children's choice
correct way is to respect children's choice. Because wearing fancy clothes or cutting a special hairstyle is not a great thing, but children's aesthetic standards are different. Parents can not agree with this aesthetic, but to respect, you can communicate like a friend, hey, boy, what is the cool thing you wear today, which is the trend, how does Lao Tzu feel a little different?
it is so easy to ask the child, the child will treat you like a friend, too. It's going to tell you about your head. Even if you have different opinions, you can only put it to him for reference and understand his attitude. Perhaps in such a relaxed exchange, he will accept some of your suggestions to avoid the occurrence of adolescent rebellious psychology.
let children make their own judgments
and so on. If parents can relate to each other, it is possible to avoid children's adolescent rebellion. Another phenomenon is that parents are basically involved in their children's friends at puberty, especially friends in society, parents are afraid of their children, often interfering. The paradox is that parents who feel that their children can make friends feel that their friends will lead their children to bad, and therefore prohibit children from interacting with each other. Children do not think so. He thinks this friend is very attractive. His parents prohibit him from interacting with him, and he is willing to make difficulties and face himself.
this arbitrary way of parents is certainly not right. So how do we deal with children's friends? In this case, everyone faces different situations and can not be cut across the board. But there is a certain principle to deal with, that is to know the friend with the children, and to identify this friend. What parents are most worried about is some of the children in the society. At this time, parents must communicate with their children. What is the friend you are communicating with today, what is the quality, why do you like to associate with him, which kind of behavior we can't participate in, which kind of activity must not join, which kind of friend light in And so on.
after the analysis, let the child make a judgment. After the child has a judgment, the parents will shine out their views, give their children a reference, and reach a consensus with their children. This is the best choice. Children in the process of growth, inevitably to contact a variety of people, this is also a kind of learning, parents to help children have a good ability to judge, do not take arbitrary conclusions, the other people are regarded as bad people, think absolutely not communication. If parents have such an attitude, their children's interaction will become more and more concealed, and their parents will be excluded.
in a word, parents must realize that rebellious psychology is a reaction to children's self-consciousness and self interference. Respecting children, achieving consensus through communication, and becoming friends with children instead of enemies are the fundamental principles for solving problems. Specifically, what is the meaning of self-awareness, and some aspects of children's self-consciousness are violated. This requires parents to carefully estimate, seriously communicate and make judgments.